Diamonds are a girls best friend...

It has been a week since that night with Robert. It was so hard leaving him that night. I decided I needed to put a great deal of distance between us lest I be too tempted to let him help me. I can only hope all of this will end soon and I can find Robert again and explain everything. Right now, my secrets and my fears must remain my own. I cannot help thinking of our time together as short as it was. I have tried to push my memories out of my mind, but he haunts my dreams.

I had to get far away. Luckily, I found what I was looking for in London, well it was here for a time. It is nice to be home for awhile. My accent does not stand out here and it is so easy to blend into the city. I wish I could visit with friends, but I cannot place anyone in danger. Besides, I keep reminding myself, diamonds are always a girl's best friend. Although I fear I will be traveling again soon. Maybe I will take that vacation that Robert and I always meant to take. I think I might just find what I am looking for there. I just need to add a little sparkle to my life.

Once upon a year ago...

Has it already been a year since that horrible epidemic hit Port Charles?
I still wish that hadn't turned out the way it did. I had to make Robert believe I was holding the antidote for ransom. I really wasn't, Robert knows that I'm not capable of that. I think that ill fated day a year ago, he thought for maybe a split second that I might have, but I guess as a con artist even I fooled him into thinking I was really involved, thus his reasons for being upset that day & let me get carted off. He told me he did intend to rescue me (after he came to his senses,I presume) if I was involved he just wanted to teach me a lesson for not trusting him enough to tell him what was really going on...

I did manage to call Mac later that summer, said I couldn't talk long, but wanted to let him know I would never let Robin or anyone die, and he said he knew that I wouldn't let people die for a price. He said he & Robbie talked it over, and there had to be more to the story. Good ol' Mac. What a great brother in law! I was glad he finally started talking to Robert again at that point, Mac was so angry when he found out Robert let him believe he was dead.
He said Robin didn't believe I was directly involved either, said she actually came to my defense. But in the Markhams I didn't let myself get close to her again because I knew I'd have to be on the move all the time, and didn't want to involve her in what was going on. Too bad the kids came to the Islands. I also was only testing her a little to see how much she really cared about Dr Patrick, she was trying so hard to deny it. She was obviously jealous by our flirting, but it never would've led anywhere, as I said I was testing her. I think it made her realize just how much she really cared for him. And when the bounty hunters came in , they were making out like crazy. (Gosh I miss those J-E-W-E-L-S.)I'm so happy she's found someone again, I remember when Stone died. Robin & I kept in touch a lot then & I visited when I could.
Last week Robert said Robin & Patrick were fighting over trivial things, such as a couch?
I told Robert I still couldn't tell him anything, I had my reasons and some day I can tell him, but not now...

Night and Day

Leaving my hotel room this morning was the hardest thing I've had to do in a long while. Much to my delight, Robert picked up on my clues and found me last night. Our first 12 hours of actually being alone together in when? 15 years? Heaven. Sheer heaven. Yet maddening at the same time. Of course he had a million questions about what's going on – what I've "gotten myself into" - and he was pressuring me for answers. I believe tenacity was the word you were looking for, Robert. Like a dog with a bone. I hope you'll forgive me for slipping out the way I did, but I thought it would be easier that way. I can't imagine it being any harder. I hope you can understand that there are some things I have to take care of on my own – for everyone's sake.

Clint Eastwood...Hemingway

I couldn't sleep last night and because of my limited hotel cable choices all I could find to watch was an old Clint Eastwood movie. It was one I remember seeing with Robert at the Port Charles drive in a long time ago. None of those memorable Dirty Harry quotes, but it was Eastwood just the same.
I booked a plane ticket before finally dozing off. I need to keep moving.
Everything's just a big mess and none of this has been easy. I believe it was Hemingway who said "Never mistake motion for action." The plan is to keep moving until I decide on an action. I think I'll pick up a copy of Hemingway's short stories for the flight. A little Poppa to occupy my racing mind.

No Two Souls...

Ah, another Valentine's Day alone with my memories...well unless you count all the other people trying to get somewhere, like I am, but am stranded at an airport because of the snow...
Looks like Robert is stranded too...I wish I was with him right now.
I remember when he gave me an official valentine, he said it was the first one he had ever given since one to his mother. He said there had never been anyone that special.
I remember he said to me, "No two souls have been more right for each other, more perfect, more blessed..." makes me teary-eyed to think about that moment.
That gift certainly paled in comparison to the red vest I bought him...I know he pretended to like it because of how much he loved me.

Well, hopefully soon the weather will clear, and I will be on my way...

For the Girl In Me...

To continue with Fashion Week, this morning I decided to head some place I figured no goon or Robert would find me. I went to a taping of The View today with guest Hilary Duff. I know its a little girlish, but I think we all need that every once in awhile. Hilary is in NY for Fashion Week and had the custest, darling outfits for young girls or "tweens" they are calling them now.
I imagine that if Robert & I had a daughter (Rebecca), that I would be taking her to events like this. And probably to Hilary Duff concerts as well. I would love to have a daughter to take on shopping sprees. I miss back when I lived in PC and Robin & I would head to the mall, and we would splurge on the latest clothes. Robin was trying to impress Jason Quartermaine then.
Mac didn't approve of his niece looking so "grown up".
I would've loved to see Mac's face that night Robin & Jodie raided my closet, and ended up wearing some of my gorgeous dresses to the Outback opening.

Well, I will turn off my Blackberry for now, and see what the rest of the day holds...

Happy Anniversary, Robert

whew!...I think I slipped back to my hotel without being followed by the goons or Robert...
What a day today was. Well, earlier I wished for something to happen to keep me from thinking of our anniversary, but just the opposite happened. Personally, it all worked out better than I'd hoped.
After my lengthy shopping spree that basically consisted of window shopping today, I decided to go back to 5th Ave, because there was another hat I was thinking of getting to match my coat I was wearing. It was "faux" fur, I don't wear real fur. So naturally I went back & bought it!

Then I ventured down further and ended up walking past St Patricks' church. Wed evening mass was about to begin, there were lots of people entering the church. Made me think, what if Robert & I had a beautiful church wedding? I had always hoped we'd have a chance to actually write vows that were from our hearts and pledge those words to each other eternally in front of God & our loved ones. During the weddings that Robert & I attended together, I would always daydream it was us up there.
Well, maybe someday it could still happen. Tiffany could be my maid of honor, and Sean could be Robert's best man. Sean & Tiff's youngest daughter could be our flower girl. I was busy daydreaming of all the details, when someone GRABBED me by my shoulder! I felt as frightened as I did when I was in San Francisco with Bill, but this time there was no Bill to save me. I turned expecting either a mugger or the goons following me around, but this "goon" pulled me to him & kissed me. I let him...I couldn't resist, he was so handsome, his lips so familiar...Robert...of course he found me. We kissed passionately, this time no guards we were trying to fool, or Luke around. Just the 2 of us, on our anniversary. I never would've imagined it was possible.
Well, at least I thought we were alone. I saw someone hiding behind a tall bush at St Patricks church. I leaned into Robert as if I hadn't seen that guy, and told him I didn't know when I'd get a chance to finally tell him, that I had never signed the divorce papers, we were still married. I said I had to go, I ran without telling him someone was watching. If Robert finds out anything, he would be in danger...

So now I am alone again & I am listening to a song that reminds me of Robert & I.
It's called Window To My Heart by Jon Secada, in fact most songs by Jon Secada feel so close to my heart.

Here are the lyrics to Window To My Heart:

Alone in the dark
Waiting for the sunrise
Feeling wide awake
Pretending you're there with me
Don't wanna close my eyes
Because I wanna keep believing
That we can be together
As far as I can see
I know you feel the same
Give us the chance to make it



Through your eyes there's a window that goes to my heart
I can see me still loving you the rest of my life
Look inside, look inside through the window that goes to my heart

Stay with me tonight
I promise you one thing girl
No matter, come what may
I'll always be here for you
And if you believe in me
I know that I can be
Everything that you need
As far as I can see
I know you feel the same
Give us a chance to make it

Through your eyes there's a window that goes to my heart
I can see me still loving you the rest of my life
Look inside, look inside through the window that goes to my heart



You're the only one who's light has ever made it through
And I've been waiting for so long for somebody like you
Look inside, look inside through the window that goes to my heart

No I don't care how long I have to wait
If it means that you'll stay
Through your eyes I always feel the truth
Make no mistake
Give us a chance to make it

Look inside, look inside through the window that goes to my heart

Through your eyes there's a window that goes to my heart
I can see me still loving you the rest of my life
Look inside, look inside through the window that goes to my heart

You're the only one who's light has made it through
And I've been waiting for so long for somebody like you
Look inside, look inside through the window that goes to my heart

Through your eyes there's a window that goes to my heart
I can see me still loving you the rest of my life
Look inside, look inside through the window that goes to my heart

Happy Anniversary

I'm sipping tea & writing this morning, reflecting on 24 years ago today. At that moment, I didn't realize it would turn out to be the most meaningful day of my life. I married my friend, but he became my heart & soul, my one true love.
Though Robert & I have never discussed it, we are still technically married. I wonder if he is remembering this day also. I will post more later, maybe something else today will take my mind off what could've been, what should be...

More Shopping...

NYC. It's cold here but all one needs is a warm coat and a wonderful hat. Even better, a warm arm around one's shoulders. But I always did prefer the cold to the heat anyway.

My heart nearly broke when I saw Robert across the avenue in Savannah. I was about to run to him when I saw yet another of those dreadful goons. Can't they just mind their own business for a few hours?

I've decided that I need a little distraction. Shopping and fashion always did make me feel better, at least temporarily, so where better to head but Fashion Week? I hit the shows all day. For a moment, I even thought I spotted Robert. It so rattled me that I turned and banged into this poor man. Imagine my surprise when it turned out to be Tim Gunn from Project Runway. He was just as lovely in person as he is on the show - such a gentleman. I apologized profusely - probably over did it a bit. I was just so flustered to be meeting a celebrity! I think Project Catwalk would have gotten much better ratings had they imported Tim Gunn. That Ben de Lisi was so horribly mean, whereas Tim seemed to know the right things to say to the contestants.

Robert always used to know the right things to say to me. I am dreading tomorrow. It would have been our 24th anniversary had things gone the way they should have.
I always find the day so hard, thinking of what might have been. What I wouldn't give to have another day with Robert.

Shopping in NYC

Back in one of my favorite cities, NYC, I am curently enjoying taking in the sites, and shopping til I drop! It is also Fashion Week, so I am attending a lot of shows. I love to visit some of the exquisite stores, that are luckily still around. Robert & I used to go to NYC on little excursions, usually him for business, I for pleasure. He always hated it when I would go into a store and come out with 10 hat boxes or tons of clothes! (Well, I personally believe he loved every minute of it - he got an exclusive fashion show to himself)
I remember I always had to have new boots, those were my favorite things to wear with my dresses, or over pants. Seems like that is back in fashion now, the boots over pants.
I haven't worn hats forever, but I had to visit the little shop on 5th Ave where I purchased those hats at 20+ yrs ago, and they really had some cute styles, so I had to pick this one up. I attached a photo.
Luckily I made it into that store right before it closed. I simply cannot believe that Pierre still works there, and he remembered me.

I wonder if Robert went back to Port Charles after Savannah. I suppose I should be careful being in NYC, not too far away from PC...

Danger Near

oh I had hoped to be able to stay in Savannah for a little while. It seems Robert and I are still of one mind, as he is here now as well. Unfortunately, he is not the only one in Georgia. I am afraid he is getting too close to the truth. He is going to be in for quite a bit of danger if he does not stop digging. I need to lead these gentlemen, and I use that term loosely, far away from Robert. I know these people are far too dangerous to subject Robert to. I wish I could manage to loose these guys. It is really getting tiresome. Perhaps I can let them believe I left Georgia and enjoy my time here just a little longer. Maybe I can just catch a glimpse of Robert. I want so badly to see him again.

I know I shouldn't, but a large part of me wishes Robert would catch up to me. I wonder if he really still loves me.